Wine Time

Partially based on those two mediocre-looking bottles of wine that my mum received from a dinner party of sorts. With all this vinegary potential, maybe I can serve it to all those people that I don't like at the next obligatory social gathering that requires bringing some kind of food or drink item. Though they'll probably do the same thing to me as well.

Wrong Recipe

Based on a real recipe I got from someone for making a mocha sugar scrub and a sweet orange salt scrub. If I didn't know any better, I probably would have tried to make these at home and eat them. Fortunately, I have neither the ingredients nor motivation to undertake such an endeavour. Finally, my apathy is doing something useful these days...

Feedback

I'm sure we've all been there, or will be there for some of you reading this: You spend the last few hours cooking what you suppose is the best food you've ever made. Your magnum opus, if you will. Then, all it takes is a single moment, one piece of criticism, and it all comes crashing down. Some would call you "thin-skinned", but I would say you need to find new friends with lower culinary standards.

Just Ad Salt

Based on that one instance of cooking where I tried to follow a recipe from a YouTube video, but I'd always have to sit through, like, 30 seconds of mandatory ads whenever the video got to an important step. Although this could be intentional, as a means to get fools (totally not me) to buy random stuff on some whimsical recommendation, whether they know it's part of the recipe or not.

Dinner Party

A summarised recollection of all those interactions I've had with people, either during dinner parties hosted at other peoples' homes or at my own house. Of course, it could be that I'm always surrounded by inconsiderate and insincere idiots at dinner parties, though I imagine they would be thinking the same way about me.

Memory Loss

As paranoid as it sounds, I'm starting to think that people eat good food at these really nice places and deliberately hide information about said place only to spite me. After all, it's not as if being there in person with them would make the experience any better...

Combo Breaker

Based on the mind-blowing revelation that you can request items to be removed from a meal to drop its price. Granted, this is dependent on where you happen to be purchasing food from, but I suppose this is the closest thing we have to modern day "haggling" without the soul-crushing shame of admitting financial desperation.

Hot stuff

Just some good old fashioned wordplay in this week's comic. Believe me, this sort of confusion happens more often than you think. Or maybe I'm just a very confusing person to be around. Or, perhaps the most likely explanation, I'm usually surrounded by morons.

Jawbreaker

It's that time of the year again for a vaguely spooky comic. This time, based on that horrifying time in my youth when I literally split a tooth while eating some cracker nuts. It was awful, having to spit out half a tooth while having the other jagged half causing pain whenever I was eating. Kind of makes me wonder how I'm still able to eat cracker nuts today.

Mind Wipe

Based on all those times people have asked me for dining suggestions, only for me to forget all my favourite eating places in that instant and then they just end up going for something generic. Like KFC or *shudders* Subway. Don't get me wrong, Subway has come a long way from those "soggy bread wrapped in paper" days, but let's face it: You should only ever be at Subway for those sweet, sweet cookies.

Mystery drink

Inspired by that one time I was at a pub with someone and they tried to use their online menu to order drinks for us, only to find that you couldn't specify what particular drink you wanted. Not wanting to put our health into the whimsical hands of this particular pub, we just ended up ordering drinks in person.

Moral of the story: Some things really can't replace in-person interactions. Even if it's something as trivial as ordering drinks.

Offloaded Off-cuts

For all those times I've gotten free food from "loved ones", only to find that it's expired, moldy, discoloured, half-eaten and/or tastes terrible in general. Some people would say it's the thought that counts... Clearly those people have never been handed a 3-year old sack of corn chips that smell like timber.

First Try

Inspired by true events, namely the disappointment of never being able to cook some things as well as the first time it was done. In my mind, it seems like the less you know what you're doing, the better the cooking outcome, usually. So go ahead: Add that garlic powder, sprinkle in some cayenne pepper and wait for a rolling boil. Not because the recipe said so, but because you read it here.

Dine and Discover - Part II

The long awaited sequel to last week's comic. Well, one week isn't that long to wait.
And so the government-subsidised food program had failed Dante yet again. Perhaps not a complete failure as with previous encounters with government agencies, as at least this time one does not have to go home hungry.

Dine and Discover - Part I

This one will probably go over the heads of most people, unless you happen to live in Australia as I do. Basically, the government set up this program called "Dine and Discover" to help rejuvenate the economy in these trying times. And as with most government programs like this, it's super janky and poorly thought out, much to my own detriment.

Will Dante find a restaurant that accepts these vouchers in time before they expire? Or will he become another victim of a system that cares little for the working class man? Find out in Part II.

The Best Recipe

This one's for all you food bloggers and home cooks on the Internet who claim they've found "the ultimate recipe" or "secret ingredient" for a particular food item, amidst all the other people who also make the exact same claim. Even worse, some of them aren't even that great when actually prepared. So people making these statements are no better than those crummy pop-up ads that show up in your browser when visiting questionable websites.

Sweet Dreams

Not to mention your stomach will feel like garbage the next morning from all that sugary goodness, as well as the fact that you're putting your body on the borderline of developing diabetes and/or a sugar addiction, but at least you got a good night's sleep.

Open to interpretation

One of the many gripes I have about online recipes is their blind assumption that the reader is using the same measurements as they are and can correctly portion out vaguely quantifiable terms such as "a pinch" or "taste for seasoning". I suppose the counterargument would be that I'm an incompetent "cook" that trips up on such small details, to which I would shed a single tear.

The Bitter Truth

Based on the existential horror that I'm going to have to inevitably learn to cook to some level, much like the shock of having to complete the annual tax return, pay phone bills, cleaning the home and the like. Perhaps one should stop trying to outrun the responsibilities of life? It's a truth some of us find hard to swallow...

A Hate for Cooking

To be honest, I don't think I'll ever understand how people can be so excited about cooking. Maybe it's some long repressed psychological trauma that is now finally manifesting itself as disdain for most culinary things.

The Internet tells me that cooking is supposed to help with said psychological trauma, but seeing as nothing has changed on that front, I'm leaning towards my secondary reasoning: I've magically understood some universal truth about cooking that most people haven't realised yet.

The Communal Fridge

Unlike all the other dubious, unsolicited advice I seem to spout, this one's tried and tested, admittedly only once. And including that last panel. Some of you reading this might be thinking: "Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!" To that I reply with: Honesty tastes better, especially their salami.

Out of Sync

Essentially part two of "Delivery Tracking", this was also something I more or less remember happening (albeit far less dramatic) in my Über Eats app when I didn't indicate that I'd received my food. I'm sure someone in their R&D department thought of this edge case, right? Or maybe this spiel is something that every Über Eats customer experiences regardless of any delays.

Delivery Tracking

Based on that one time I used Über Eats to order food, and then realising that I don't need to update the app to confirm that I've received my food. Not too sure how many people are interested in tracking their food courier post-delivery, but I guess it might be useful for when you have the sudden urge to give them an in-person tip for all their hard work... while they are 2 kilometres away from you.

Anti-Social Eating

Most people find it strange that my ability to eat is inversely proportional to the number of people in my immediate vicinity. I mean, it just sounds like a sad excuse for having a small stomach. Or quite possibly a psychological coping mechanism for the lack of genuine relationships in one's life... Yeah, I prefer the first explanation better.

Cravings

Picture this: It's 3:00am and you're still sleeping. Suddenly, you wake up with an unusual need for Korean fried chicken. You spend the rest of the morning thinking about this sudden food craving and not sleeping. It's 8:00am now, and you are both tired and not in the mood for Korean fried chicken.

Now imagine how differently things would have gone if you managed to find a Korean fried chicken restaurant at 3:00am...

Bad Company

Inspired by true events, where my friend and I both ate at a local fried chicken vendor in two separate instances and had wildly different experiences when it came to assessing the food. Then again, having low standards for food edibility deems a lot of things as good.

But here's a pro-tip for you fried chicken connoisseurs: The chicken is better if you have it prepared within the first hour or so when the vendor opens. It might seem obvious, but I think a lot of people underestimate the effect of a fresh batch of oil on the taste of fried chicken.

Hair in food

Based on a random question that had occurred to me once upon a day: "What happens when people complain about finding hair in their food, but the twist is that the food is SUPPOSED to have hair in it?". Then again, I don't know anyone (yet) who enjoys the idea of coughing up hairballs after every few meals.

The Hunger Game

Based on all those times when I don't feel like eating for hours on end, only to begin starving just minutes later. When you get to my age, you find out one way or another that it's usually due to bad gas. Lousy stomach, can't tell the difference between being full of food and being full of gas.

How to enjoy spicy food

Likely inspired from that unusually spicy green curry I had for dinner many moons ago. But through that long and agonizing ordeal, I realised that spicy food will always have a special place in my life. That is, the garbage bin.

Recipe for Disaster

You could say that I only follow online recipes that have a strict meat-carbohydrates combination to them. Or it could be that those are the recipes that keep being recommended to me by my friends, family and the Internet. In any case, I'd probably create an equally dastardly food product even if I didn't follow the recipe, so at least people eating my food can be reassured that I do know what I'm cooking about 60% of the time. 

Unenjoyable

Based on my own deep-seated malaise for making comics, which is now comparable to said malaise for cooking in general. Frankly, this blog has never been less popular than now and I'm sure you can see why. Nevertheless, it's something I continue to do largely because I've got nothing to do... much like my cooking activity.

Fridge Space

Based on actual reactions from my parents whenever one of us predominantly fills up the fridge with anything. On the plus side, at least I don't have to deal with the freezer -- it's so often stuffed with all kinds of frozen goods that I'm sometimes scared that I'm going to get a concussion from a bag of frozen chicken wings that falls out when I open it.

De-cereal-ised

The next time you invite your friends and relatives over for a delicious dinner party at your home, treat them to a fresh bowl of Cheerios, served with the finest milk money could buy -- and before you ask: No, soy milk and almond milk don't count. I wouldn't even classify them as milk, frankly.

Long-life food

Admittedly, I have a bad tendency to keep packaged food items uneaten for long periods of time. I'd like to think I'm preparing for a time when food isn't so readily available, assuming I'm content with eating stale food with a dulled taste. To be fair, most packaged foods only specify a "Best Before" date, so it's technically edible years after the specified date.

Meal Steal

Inspired by a thought experiment revolving around the idea of loitering around a busy fast food restaurant, coffee shop or related business premises, and going up to the counter to take someone else's food and/or drink after their ticket number has been called. I'm sure someone out there has gone to prison for doing this.

Coffee Conundrum

Based on an event that involved talking to a car dealer and being offered a complimentary coffee. I don't understand why people don't just waltz into every car dealership under the guise of looking to purchase a new car, get the complimentary coffee and leave as politely as possible. Sure, you'll be remembered as "that person who just turns up for the free coffee", but what are they going to do about it? Not sell you a car?

Serving Size

Perhaps serving sizes have always been the same, but instead the world we live in today has set such high standards for food that almost all restaurants fall short of the unrealistic expectation to provide low-cost, delicious and filling food stuffs to an ever-ungrateful society... Either way, those restaurants are making loads of money by capitalising on our favourite foods!

Salternative

A throwback to a simpler time and place. One of the signs of a bad cook is having a willingness to consider any and all possible options as substitute ingredients, regardless of its relevance in a culinary context. On the contrary, how can one improve their cooking if they're not willing to experiment with ingredients?

The odd one out

Making this comic reminded me of that time someone told me to eat at some place that allegedly makes the "best pies". Needless to say, the only food item they had in stock at the time were curry puffs, and the iced tea really wasn't that great. But what do I know about good food and drinks?

Reviews vs. Restaurateur

Loosely based off a recent dining experience at a certain Mexican restaurant, whose food was sub-optimal, despite the multiple but largely nondescript reviews claiming it was worthwhile. It's almost as if I'm the only one who doesn't like eating there! 

Ultimate Offering

You can spend an entire day cooking something. You could use all the finest ingredients you can get your hands on. You can painstakingly get everything right, from the measurements of various ingredients to the exact timing of the necessary processes. And at the end of it, the people eating it will still manage to find some flaw, such as "It needs more salt" or "You put your heart and soul into this? Eww."

Second Amendments

Based on that one recipe on the Internet for roast chicken, where the recipe author (you know the one I'm referring to) pins their own comment on the video with, like, 3 paragraphs of erratum. And I don't think it was nicely formatted either. But it does make me wonder if some of my cooking failures might have been because I missed some critical after-the-fact information while reading an online recipe. Then I can use that as an excuse for my poor culinary skills.

Second Opinion

When it comes validating things like whether you can replace some ingredient listed in a recipe with something just as dastardly, the Internet is second to none. Though it can be difficult to distinguish between culinary wisdom and unsolicited cooking advice, you can be 60% - 70% certain that what you're reading has probably been successful in somebody's cooking. Even if it means adding sleeping pills to soup.

Clean Eating

You can't claim to love cooking unless you also have a love for the laborious effort of food preparation, the haphazard risk of things going wrong on the fly and the inevitable task of cleaning up. It would be like saying you love going to work, but only the part where the company pays you. That'll show those snooty home cooks a thing or two about the true cooking experience.

Highly Recommended

Based on all those confused looks and nervous responses I get at various restaurants when I say "What do you recommend" instead of picking something from the menu. I would think that if you're going to work in a restaurant, you'd have some opinion about which food items are good. Unless they're all equally sub-optimal, then I suppose you should just go to another (hopefully more impressive) restaurant.

Artificial Colour

Perhaps you might even go so far as to claim that oddly coloured food is an exotic variant, which can work to your advantage when explaining why it tastes like Play-Doh and smells like burnt rubber. Of course, this is defeated simply by having the other person push back with "OK, you eat some of it first". Man, convincing people to eat arbitrarily modified food is hard work...

Def-Eat-ed

Even after all these years, that unfinished $40 burger still haunts me. Now that I think about it, perhaps that's why I don't find myself eating many burgers these days. I'd like to think I'm not the only one haunted by my food-related failures from yesteryear, but perhaps this is one burden I'll have to take with me to the grave. Or to the nearest toilet...

Full Capacity

Directly inspired by an observation I've noticed over the last few years, where it seems that my own personal capacity to eat is inversely proportional to the amount of people in my immediate vicinity. Which is to say, having people around makes me want to eat less. A newfangled scientific phenomenon? Or just another case of the Placebo Effect? We may never care enough to find out.

Über Eats

A tribute to my first time using the "Uber Eats" app. Although it would be helpful if they stated upfront that they don't support food orders from a web browser and that it has to be done through the app. Also would be nice if they made the choice to pay using Uber Cash more intuitive, rather than just toggling the button to enable credits for payment and hoping that you don't get double-crossed with this arbitrary currency you only heard about 10 minutes ago.

Can't talk, Eating

Talking with your mouth full of food is considered rude. Yet not responding to people while your mouth is full of food is also considered rude. So then you have to gesture to people that you're still eating, and hope they have the patience and will to awkwardly watch you finish off your food, only for them to decide that they'll just talk to you another time. It's like that every time...